why i've been so distant from everything opening up about my physical health

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Health is a very touchy subject with me. Considering I am the biggest baby when coming to doctors hospitals etc... But its time for me to finally grow up and get help. Don't take it wrong I've been trying and will continue but being 18 on your own no family and living where we have the worst health insurance system possibly its not easy. Yes I'm am so grateful its free due to my broke ass (yet i work full time pay rent, phone, so much more) but i just wish it would run a little smoother. Yes beggars cant be choosers or what ever that expression means now a days but being extremely sick and blacking out few times a week/ month is terrifying. Mini seizure episodes or just straight dropping dead then randomly coming to or on top of that my throat and teeth being eaten away from stomach acid (panic attacks all day every day gotta love it) I feel as if i am slowly falling apart as i try and build this new life. My health feels like its even take its toll on my relationship. My love tries his hardest but it hurts me seeing him upset over nothing he can control. Due to his situation he cant always be there with me. Those hospital trips without having his hand to hold were extremely difficult and the future trips will be a challenge too. I've had so much blood taken from my body not to mention countless amounts chemicals and radiation. The hospital refuses to treat me due to them running every test they can and only able to make me "comfortable". I cant count the late night tears making my way to the hospital after working a full 8-hour shift while still blacking out and suffering from my what i like to call episodes. I've gotten better at tracking them well kind of and gotten better at identifying my before hand symptoms. My limbs usually start to lock and go numb, my eye sight starts fading sometimes black spots everywhere and always my hearing completely goes out all I'm left with is ringing. These have progressed over time with the continuation of my episodes unfortunately. Sadly this didn't all come to light until two days before my high school graduation where i was making a speech. Not important to a lot of people but i never thought i would graduate or even make it to that day dealing with my suicide struggles and mental health. It was extremely hard having this evolve during whats supposed to be a very happy time in my life. ' already felt like the universe has put me through so much but yet I'm still here. I get it life is not supposed to be easy but i just want a break. My journey with whatever is going on inside my beautifully trauma filled head will continue but I'm trying to stay positive between this battle. My life is already so crazy and its only just began. 

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